Being An Only Child is the Best and Worst Thing Ever
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Words by Jodi Matovich
Society has a weird relationship with only children.
Only children are easily stereotyped as spoiled, selfish, and socially awkward but also praised for their self-sufficiency, maturity, and independence. Parents who have one child are often pressured and questioned as to when they’ll produce a sibling for their only and risk feelings of guilt that their singleton will grow up lonely and weird because of it. The mixed messages we give to only children and the parents of singles can be confusing and leave everyone still asking: is being an only child really that bad? Will only children turn into sad, bitter adults? Maybe this only child can shed some light on that.
Growing up, I don’t remember thinking about my only child status all that much, though I do have a vivid memory of copying the 800 number from the commercials to sponsor children in need in underprivileged countries then giving it to my mom telling her she could call and get me a brother or sister (turns out, amazingly enough, that’s not how it worked.) I had kids in the neighborhood to play with plus a decent number of friends from school but even when they weren’t around I don’t have much memory of being lonely or bored like so many people seem to assume will be the case for those of us without siblings.
Was I spoiled? Yeah, for sure. Since I was the only kid it was easier for my parents to devote time and attention to me whenever I wanted or needed it. My parents weren’t wealthy by any means but I got to go on vacations, to plays and concerts, and participate in activities without it being too much of a fuss since there was only one kid to pour that money into.
I didn’t have to share my room, my toys, or my space but I also didn’t get to share jokes or memories with another person who was growing up in the same house as me the way most of my friends did. I didn’t have someone to commiserate with when my parents were getting on my nerves or who I could call if I got into trouble and didn’t want my mom and dad to find out. And as I’ve gotten older, especially after my parents’ divorce, I worried (and in all honesty still do sometimes) about how I alone will take care of them when they reach old age. There’s only one of me and the two of them aren’t likely to live under the same roof again so I worry that I will find myself being spread too thin to be of use to either.
But it wasn’t until I was well into adulthood when I started to realize the ways in which growing up as an only child had actually left an impression on my personality and the impact those traits have had on my life and relationships. It might just be the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.
See, some of my (arguably) best qualities are because I was an only child. I’ve learned to be independent, to not rely on others for something I can do myself and to this day, you’ll rarely hear me say I’m bored because I’ve always been used to finding ways to entertain myself. I’ve been confident in who I am since I was a teen and was never that susceptible to peer pressure, not to say that only children are the only ones who benefit in such a way but I do believe that by primarily spending time alone I learned myself well enough to not feel like I needed to impress anyone. Upon meeting new people I’m great at first impressions and can talk to just about anyone (even though I hate it beyond belief) thanks to spending so much time in childhood having conversations with a plethora of adults.
But I definitely possess some less than desirable characteristics from my time growing up as an only child, like the fact that I am pretty particular and expect things to be done in a certain way (i.e. the way I would do them.) After my husband moved in once we were married, that particular quality reared its head in a way I wasn’t used to because I was now sharing my space with someone for the first time ever. I’ve never had roommates or other live-in significant others so my husband was the guinea pig. It lead to some tense discussions in those first few months of marriage as I had to learn how to reign in my somewhat selfish and petty only child behavior. That independence from before? While for the most part it’s great, it also leads to my unfairly feeling resentful because I expect others to see what needs done and do it without my asking for help. But the world doesn’t work like that and I can’t expect others to be mind readers when I need the assistance.
A lot of only children, myself included, turn into overachievers with a lot of goals and expectations for success, which can be a good thing, but I lack the motivation to reach those goals sometimes due, at least in part if you ask me, to the lack of a healthy rivalry with a sibling to keep me pushing forward to impress. I don’t have that fear that I won’t be my parents favorite because I’m their only…therefore, making them proud doesn’t seem like such a difficult feat.
Obviously, mine is just one only child’s experience. I have an only child friend who hated being an only child, wished for siblings to cure their boredom and loneliness, and insisted they’d never raise an only child themselves (though childbirth has made them rethink that stance just a bit.) I’m also sure there are other only children in the world who have no complaints about their upbringing, never wished for siblings, and feel like their personalities are A+. In the end, there’s no right way to grow up.
The early 1900s child psychologist G. Stanley Hall is quoted as saying, “being an only child is a disease in itself,” but as an actual only child, I would hardly call it a disease. Growing up as an only child has shaped me into the person I am today for better or worse. I have friends who are as close as siblings and not one part of me truly feels that I lacked or suffered from not having a sibling in the house. While I may have some not so cute traits that likely stem from my only child status, I’m not some lonely, bitter adult incapable of making lasting relationships because of them. Would I encourage parents to embrace the idea of having an only child? Absolutely. Kids will always grow into adults shaped by the way they were raised, siblings or not, just give them the love and support they need and they’ll (probably) turn out just fine.
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About the Author:
Jodi's kryptonite is writing her own bio. Please don't judge her on this, she swears she's actually a pretty good writer otherwise!
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