My Kids Made Me Braver
Read Time: 3 Minutes
Words by Hannah Kewley
Somewhere along the line, you realize, if you’re going to talk the talk, you’d better walk the walk. When raising kids authentically you have to be ready to embody the values and practices you are telling them are important in life, even if you didn’t before you had kids. Even if you’d rather not. Even if you weren’t shown how as a child yourself.
When my children were still babies, I’d read articles advising parents not to yell ‘Be careful!’ as their kids climbed up high at the playground, or ‘Don’t fall!’ as they balanced on top of a wall. The problem was that my internal default when watching their play was programmed to just those two phrases—as well as my favorite ‘You’ll hurt yourself!’—by my cautious, protective, and (I’m sorry Mum) controlling parents. I had to bite my tongue pretty hard, slap on my best, encouraging smile, and possibly try phrases such as ‘Use strong legs’ or ‘You’re doing it!’ to drown out the other voices. After nearly ten years with my naturally cautious son and five with my feline-brave daughter, I have seen that this approach is all they need. They can always do more than you give them credit for, and telling them what not to do or that they’ll fail, only makes them more likely to.
As part of their ‘Personal Development’ in our family’s home education, we read books on and talk a lot about Growth Mindset. My kids can identify when they’re using fixed approaches or language and are getting pretty effective at course correcting. I’d say we’re doing a great job of empowering them intellectually, physically, and emotionally for lifelong challenges.
My parents, however, seemed to view activities or skills as either something you were ‘natural’ or ‘not natural’ at. “They’re musical”, “They’re not coordinated”, “They’re naturally artistic”, “I’m not mathematical”. If you fell somewhere in the middle you could give something a go, you’d need lots of practice, but ultimately, unless you were born ‘gifted’, they were happy for us to drop those activities at the first sign of struggle. Academic success was valued higher than ‘extracurriculars’, and so piano, swimming, and guiding were dropped as I entered high school so that I could ‘focus more on my studies’.
I know that as part of my kids’ home-based life-learning, we can support them to follow passions and give time to a wide breadth of activities. But I’ve found it very easy to follow my inclinations to stay in my own lane, fixed, head down, plowing through the day-to-day. It’s very easy as busy, tired parents to limit ourselves to the comfortable and easy. But I hate catching myself living this hypocrisy.
Someone asked me recently if I liked spiders, after seeing my five year old daughter with yet another arachnid crawling up her arm. I admitted, out of my daughter’s earshot, that I didn’t hate them but wouldn’t choose to handle them out of choice. Snakes are a big sickening fear of mine—probably because my mum has been vocal in her fears. But I had to admit that I would find it possible to hold (whilst screaming inside) a large spider or even a snake, in front of my children. For my children. So that I wasn’t passing on any limiting beliefs and behaviors to them.
Since having my kids I’ve bravely shown myself more clearly to new acquaintances, not wishing any friendships to be false or inauthentic. I am brave too in sharing my opinions and preferences.
I try to push my body out of its narrow comfort zone. When we’re on forest walks I join in climbing trees (a little way) or balancing on logs. I will swing higher even if it makes me queasy or run around until I sweat and wheeze to play alongside them. I make myself say ‘Yes’ to their requests, even when I feel inside I’m shouting ‘No’, because I want them to say yes to the opportunities that come to them. And I rarely ever regret it.
My kids have shown me how the right outlook and a little encouragement can achieve all manner of things someone more closed off might deem impossible. Our family respects that we each have personal strengths, levels of ability, or comfort zones on any particular day, but we recognize the importance of continually pushing those limits in order to grow. The plasticity of our brains and the malleability of our bodies to learn are lifelong.
It feels liberating and invigorating to be rewriting my inner defaults and nudging my limits. Their example, and my need to be their example in return, has brought out bravery in me I would never have thought possible.
About the Author:
An over-thinker, over-feeler, lover of words, Hannah processes all shades of her life through writing, especially poetry, whilst sipping tea and raising her two kids.