No One Ever Talks About Abortion
Words by Amanda R.
My son was just under a year old on Christmas Eve of 2019. We were at our in-laws' house exchanging gifts when my ears began to feel hot and vomit crept up my airways, making its way out of my mouth. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to well, let it out. I continued with the exchanging of gifts but couldn't shake the nausea. It felt like an out of body experience as everyone opened their presents in my periphery, while I stared into space as memories of my first pregnancy were coming to mind. All I thought to myself was how this feeling was very similar to the feelings of my first trimester with my son.
For some reason, a feeling came over me and I was convinced I was pregnant and I didn't need to buy a test; although of course I did to confirm. But I just knew in my heart that it would be positive. I have always wanted a big family and more than one child but I was still adjusting to motherhood and I couldn't see myself having another so soon.
I stayed up that night deep in my thoughts as I didn't believe in abortion, but I also knew financially and mentally I wasn't ready to be pregnant all over again. I also knew that I wouldn't be able to provide the attention and life the child would deserve. It was also the start of 2020 when the pandemic hit the world and I feared bringing a baby into the world. I was ashamed and didn't even know where to begin the process. I was doing what at the time felt right in my mind for so many different reasons, but at the same time I knew it was wrong.
Fast forward a few days and there I was checking myself into an abortion clinic. Scared, embarrassed, ashamed, and saddened. I didn't fully understand my emotions nor my thoughts at that time. It was like sleep walking into the clinic. It felt like a nightmare. Upon checking in, I was asked what sedation I'd want and I chose to be fully awake because I knew that if I was doing such a bad thing, it was only fair that I see and feel the pain.
A nurse came in to perform an ultrasound and check my vitals. She turned the screen so I wouldn't see the images. The wand slowly grazed my belly as she took measurements. A few moments later it was over and she asked if I wanted the photos in an envelope or if I wanted them to be discarded. I opted to take them home as I'd rather throw them away on my own instead of having them throw it away for me and regretting it later.
It was time for the procedure. I laid there and kept repeating to the doctors that I was petrified and that I'm sorry. They tried to calm me down and assure me that I was not a bad person. They asked me to take a deep breath and, as I inhaled, I felt what had to be the most intense amount of pain I'd ever felt along with a loud machine-like sound. A few moments later, it was over. I was taken to a recovery room and shortly after released to go home.
Initially, for the first day or so, I felt relief. Relief that I could focus on being the best mother possible to my recently born son and relief that I could try to save and buy a home for us to live in that would better suit us. I was okay for about a week until I suddenly broke down. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to speak to anyone, and I couldn't look my son in the face.
What went from feeling like the best decision in the moment went on to feeling like the biggest mistake of my life. I could have given my son a sibling. A best friend. I could have brought and raised a wonderful addition to this world. I could have been a mom of two. I can never forgive myself for what I had done.
It's been about a year now, and it only hurts more and more every day. I think about how life could have been and how much of a bad person I am. I was too early in the pregnancy to know the gender, but I felt in my heart that it was a girl, the same way I knew my son was a boy.
I wore a new Hunter brand purse to the appointment that I had just gotten for Christmas. In that purse is where I stored the envelope which held the sonogram along with the pads, panties, ice packs, and at-home instructions that I was given. Once I got home, I placed the purse inside my closet and never looked at the contents inside. I've decided to call the baby Hunter. I tried to open the purse once, to glance at the ultrasound photos, and only peeked inside, but then realized that I couldn't handle it and I shoved it back in my closet.
I now refer to my closet as the nightmare because I cannot bring myself to open it. I don't know how to heal and I don't know if I deserve to. I want to heal but I don't know how to begin, how do I look at this situation head-on?
This experience has made me realize that although the world seems so open about so many topics, this topic, abortion, wasn't one of them. There was no one to talk to about it, not my family, not a therapist, not a friend because I feared being judged and shunned. Since having no one to speak to about it, other than my partner, it is all bottled up and feels like a secret I need to let out but can't.
I wish instead of the world judging every woman who goes through with terminating a pregnancy, that they realize not all of us walk away relieved, and the ones that do, they probably have a strong reason why. This is me, sharing my story, in hopes that it helps me to heal, in hopes that since I let out my secret I can begin to heal. And to Hunter, I'm so sorry.
The Fireside Membership
Are you looking for a place to feel your feelings out loud?
To connect with other women about the hard stuff you’re going through - without judgement?
Join us in our Fireside community. The Fireside is a place for women to just be, with no expectations. Where you can show up in this safe space, exactly as you are, and be held and supported by one another, no matter what you’re going through.
About the Author:
Amanda is a 29-year-old new mother who lives in Brooklyn N.Y. She believes in women supporting women and helping the world in as many ways as possible. Amanda enjoys writing and reading in her spare time.
👇 Share this post and help other women who need to hear they’re not alone. 👇