Spirituality Made Me Sicker
Read Time: 6 Minutes
Words by Angela Rosenthal // Image by Kate Rhodes
“Life is OK. We are the ones who create the stress.”
OK. Here it is. My rant.
I am so damn tired of the bullshit out there faking spirituality and positivity, when all I see it doing is leading to more shame and suffering. Quotes like the one above make me rage. Rage like the fires of hell are going to consume me.
I speak from my own experiences, where those words strung together made me sicker and sicker.
If they work for you, that's great. I'm glad they inspire you. This rant isn't meant for you.
This rant is meant for those who read things like, "I choose happiness because it's good for my health" and then feel so. much. shame. for not being able to choose happiness that day.
Their anxiety taking them over.
Their nasty voices telling them how terrible of a person they are. That it’s all their fault that they’re suffering. That if they could just get their shit together, they could truly be happy. And fun and rich and liked and unaffected and not give a fuck. Like the women in those Instagram photos reminding them that their stress is all their fault.
That it is their fault they are struggling.
If they could just think better thoughts, they could stop suffering.
Depression stealing their joy and excitement and passion and motivation. Anxiety ripping through them like a tornado.
The latest spiral brought on by spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity taking them down further and further.
*****
"Let the thoughts float on by..." she said from the front of the room. In her tiny little yoga body with her soothing voice. Calm and poised and peaceful. As I tried to hold the pose.
And keep breathing.
And not fall over.
And omgawd why can't the voices just float on by.
What the hell is wrong with me that they stick?
They attack.
They are relentless.
I'm failing.
Every day.
If I could just somehow control the shit in between my ears I could find my peace. They keep telling me my thoughts are creating my suffering, that my thoughts create my reality. If I could just figure out how to control them.
Maybe if I did yoga every day like her.
If I lost weight and looked like her.
If I could stop attaching to my thoughts like her.
Or attaching to anything for that matter. Non-attachment, right? Then there’s no more suffering.
Then maybe I could find peace. Leave my suffering behind.
Since they say suffering isn't real, I must be doing something wrong. I must be manifesting all of it.
Fuck.
I’m still thinking.
Stop thinking
Stop thinking.
Stop thinking!
I am so doing this wrong. I’m still feeling things. My anger and frustration are pulling negativity towards me. I need to stop feeling the negative things.
I need to try harder.
No wonder I'm anxious and depressed.
This is all my fault.
I deserve to suffer..."
*****
I tried.
Holy hell, did I try.
I was certain I’d found the answer to my suffering. Finally, a way out of the pain that had wrapped around me for a lifetime. I dove deep into yoga and manifestation and law of attraction, determined to be the best student and desperate to heal.
I read the books. I did the meditations. I posted the inspirational quotes on my walls. Both on social media and in my home. I spoke the language, I learned it well. I worked hard on not thinking anything negative for fear that I was manifesting all. of. the. suffering. I tried the new fancy supplements. I went to the seminars. I spent thousands on spiritual-based therapy and energy treatments.
I was still sick. Getting sicker and sicker. Shame took me over almost completely.
It must be me... it seems to work for everyone else. If I ever brought it up, it was turned around and I was reminded that suffering was all in my head. That no one could make me feel anything, so I should look at myself to understand how I was creating this pain. That was the rhetoric. New Age bullying me right back into my shame.
It must be me.
That was the thought on repeat.
It is not the treatments, it's me.
I’m broken.
And stupid.
And not trying hard enough.
If I could just think the right thoughts I could live a life I love.
And when nothing worked no matter how hard I tried. When I was still suffering and suffering, the pain so great that I couldn't breathe. I wanted out.
I didn't want to hurt anymore.
I didn't want to risk hurting anyone else.
If there was any chance my sadness was causing an ounce of pain in the ones I loved so dearly, I wanted to get away from them.
I wanted to run.
But I stayed.
I got up and tried again.
Something else in the world of spirituality.
The latest and greatest guru.
I put my hope into it, praying it would bring relief.
Then I would finally feel whole and love myself, and then I would truly be deserving of anyone’s love. But until then, no one should love me.
They couldn't love me. Not until I loved myself. I was too broken, too screwed up.
I was just going to hurt everyone because I couldn't figure out how to stop the stress response in my body. Stop the anxiety, the hopelessness, the spinning. Except I couldn't get to a place where I didn't feel it anymore. And if I couldn't stop it, then I must be the thinking wrong thoughts.
Not manifesting hard enough.
Forgetting to clear my energy.
Not wearing the right stones.
all. my. fault.
......
Bullshit.
It is all fucking bullshit.
We are emotional creatures. We feel love and joy and excitement, sadness and grief and fear.
This blame out there telling us it's all. our. fault. that we're suffering is the worst part of all. That these negative feelings make us toxic and therefore we’re to be avoided at all costs.
Except we’re human beings, we are wired for connection and belonging! Suffering is part of the human experience. So is the entire range of human emotions. And, thoughts happen. To all of us.
Having a mental illness is not something we can just think better thoughts to fix. Like telling someone with cancer it's their fault, they need to think different. Or telling someone with heart disease it's their fault because they just need to stop thinking toxic thoughts.
Are you kidding me!?!
Do I believe we can get stuck in victim mode? Yes.
And, we need love, support, and attachment to those who care about us to begin to recover. Not shame around our "bad" thoughts.
Do I believe that energy exists? Yes.
And, I do not believe it is everything.
We are not just an energy body.
We are a body, a mind and a soul.
We can not just focus on one piece and forget about the rest.
The only way I could finally begin to heal was to eliminate all of it from my life.
No more Facebook platitudes or Instagram gurus.
No more books about manifesting.
They all led me to shame.
And took me right back into the darkness.
......
I have struggled my entire life with anxiety. Which lead to bouts of depression, and moments of suicidal ideation.
Medication helped. An online women's circle helped. Taking selfies and truly seeing myself helped. Balancing out my nutritional deficiencies helped so much. Nutrition matters. Doing shame work, and speaking the forbidden thoughts helped. Giving those "bad" thoughts a voice, instead of fearing they would manifest suffering if I even thought them, helped. Reminding myself out loud that I loved me no matter what helped too.
Bilateral tapping and EMDR helped. Understanding what boundaries were so I could finally be able to have them helped. Speaking my truths helped. Accepting that there are good days and bad days helped. Knowing that suffering is part of the human experience instead of something I needed to fix really helped.
And, I working at it every single day.
My recipe for healing is going to be different from yours. We are all made up of different bits and pieces, but one thing I know to be true for me is that no amount of controlling my thoughts and feelings ever helped. Ever.
I believe...
Feelings exist because we are human.
We are not god or divine.
We are human.
We are not above it all.
We are meant to feel.
To grow.
To evolve.
To change.
Without our emotions that all goes away.
Our humanness goes away.
For me, I like feelings.
I’ve even learned to like the messy ones. Leaning into curiosity has changed everything.
And I like being human. This is my truth. And my rant.
From what I have found at the bottom of my rabbit hole.
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About the Author:
Angela Rosenthal is a single mama, a holistic life coach and aspiring minimalist who believes curiosity + compassion. That we don't need more positivity or love + light, but more raw, more real, more honest messy truths of what it's like to be human. She believes in nutrition + shadow work, inner child work + neuroplasticity, all lead by validation, compassion + curiosity. What if you could love yourself completely, instead of trying to shame yourself into submission?
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