Thoughts on Pregnancy
Read Time: 3 Minutes
Words by Rebecca Shover
“Last night I took a pregnancy test and there were two lines. I am filled with emotion and my head is still swirling.” -journal, November 10th, 2020.
Pregnancy is a daunting topic to write about. There are so many strong emotions connected to the act of carrying another life, growing a life inside your body. At 20 weeks pregnant, I am learning the beauty and pain of pregnancy. So many women want it, work hard to achieve it, and even harder to hold on to it, while other women seem to just fall into pregnancy. And then some women don’t want to experience pregnancy ever, or at least not right now. The desires and ease at which they are achieved can be polarizing. I can only speak from my perspective of pregnancy, where I am right now.
When I got married at the beginning of 2020 my husband, Alec, and I had already agreed, give ourselves a year, and then we would see what happened. As challenging as 2020 was it was my first year of marriage and I cherished it. Then on November 4th, my brother-in-law texted me, “Are you pregnant?” That text set off a chain of events. Over the next few days, I waited for my period. I prayed for my period. I didn’t feel ready. We were just 3 months away from our anniversary. We could get pregnant then. The plan was just a few more months. I wanted just a few more months. I was scared of the change. Alec and I prayed that weekend that we would have a little bit more time together before getting pregnant.
“Lord if I am pregnant please fill me with peace and joy. Because right now I’m struggling with the possibility of being pregnant, and I want to be excited from the start.” - journal Monday, November 9th, 2020.
That night I took a pregnancy test and Alec held me while I cried and we waited. There were two lines. I was pregnant.
The next morning, as the above quote from my journal indicates, I felt a lot of emotions. Primarily I felt guilt and excitement. The excitement was easy, that’s what I wanted to feel. The guilt was harder, just minutes before I knew I was pregnant I had been praying I wasn’t. I felt guilt for myself, my growing baby, and all the women that so desperately want what I had. I didn’t want my baby to ever feel like it was unwanted, regardless of what I had been feeling and praying. It didn’t feel fair to me that someone avoiding pregnancy could so easily get pregnant while some women who want it struggle so much. If I’m honest, the “fairness” at times still weighs heavy on me.
As my pregnancy has progressed I’ve become more and more in love with this baby growing inside me. The excitement has built for when we will get to meet him/her. However, that doesn’t mean my thoughts are always sunshine and imaginings of baby giggles. Pregnancy hormones and emotional swings are real and complicated.
Some days I’ve been so tired, drained on every level I have, and someone finds out I’m pregnant and asks how I’m doing. I know they want to hear that I’m excited and happy, but what about the truth? I’m exhausted! At the same time, how am I portraying my pregnancy and my love for my growing child when I keep talking about how tired I am? Do people think I’m not happy? That I’m not grateful that at least for this first pregnancy I fall into the group of easy to get pregnant and fairly mild pregnancy symptoms? Because I am so grateful. I am so thankful that my body has held onto this pregnancy and I am now starting to feel my healthy baby moving inside me.
“Keep growing baby, I’ll be here to hold you.” - letter to Baby.
At 7 weeks pregnant, I told my cousin. I had just gotten off the phone with our grandmother, who we call Domma, and I didn’t want Domma to tell her before I had a chance. She was one of the earliest people to know and the first I consider a friend, not just family. Having talked about kids in the recent past she asked if this was planned or “a beautiful surprise.” At that moment my heart swelled because that was the perfect description. At that point, I had known for roughly 3 weeks and had grown to look at my pregnancy with love and not just shock and guilt. That’s still how I think of this baby, our beautiful surprise.
What I’m learning is pregnancy is like a seesaw and the person on the other side is constantly shifting their weight (and gaining weight!). There are plenty of ups and downs and they can be within seconds of each other. My challenge has been finding the balance; giving myself grace, acknowledging to people that the hormones and bodily changes are difficult but that I am also so happy and grateful. I feel like a woman can live a whole life in the span of the 9 months she is growing and nurturing a baby inside her. And life is complicated and full of beautiful surprises.
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About the Author:
Rebecca loves exploring femininity and womanhood through education and writing. She is a newlywed living in New Jersey with her husband, Alec. You can find more of her exploration into womanhood and femininity on her blog (although she's been a bit absent while working on a novel).
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