Navigating Singleness With Gratitude
Read Time: 3 Minutes
Words by Nicole Renee Jordan
I’m a girl that attaches, always feeling the need to be in a relationship and without one it was hard for me to feel secure.
I never knew how loneliness can put a whole new spin on the capacity of one's faith or how it can make the longing for any kind of connection brutally hard to turn down. I could go on about my slew of past boyfriends or my failed marriage. I could tell you all the details about diving into another relationship after I got divorced, but I’m going to do myself a favor (and you), and stay away from replaying the past and refuse to give it the satisfaction of my attention any longer.
The need to know myself finally outweighed the desire to intertwine my insecurities in relationships that I wasn’t truly ready to grow in. It was a scary yet incredibly beautiful place to be, but I can only see that now.
Since my journey into the unknown of singleness, I have found a safe place within myself but it took a lot of growing pains to get there. At first, learning to be secure without latching on to someone else caused all sorts of panic and alarms going off internally. But my mission needed to persevere. I had to know I was enough to find happiness on my own.
During this season, I became acutely self-aware, which drove me to experience even more anxiety than I was used to, and the panic made it 100 times harder to not cling to any guy who was interested in me, or worse, run back to an ex. It took a lot of courage to set boundaries, but learning to focus on what is tangible gave me tools to use my heightened self-awareness to my advantage. There is something grounding about focusing on fundamental things and that is what I began to do.
Each day it became a goal to gravitate towards something calming or hopeful rather than let my mood shift to its default of self-pity, fear, and defeat. And to do this I honed in on the the simple blessings of our human anatomy - sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. Menial everyday occurrences would become opportunities for growth as I became deliberate about noticing my basic senses. Whenever I would go outside I cultivated a intentional mindset of noticing and taking in creation. On lonely days, I would pet my dog, tuning into my sense of touch, thankful for her cozy fur and comfort. Whenever I would try a new food, I would really savor it and allow myself to get lost in the taste.
Over time, gratefulness for these simple things usually taken for granted started to overcome the constant yearning for more. I was fully present and not stressing about what was to come or if I would ever have a lasting love. A sweet confidence began to bloom within my soul, realizing it is so powerful just being me- a girl with hands, feet, and all my senses. Choosing to focus on the basics was like viewing life through a filter of simplicity that was like sunshine for my soul. For the first time in a long time I didn’t long for somebody but rather longed to do more with what I had.
Emotions that had grown dormant from bouncing back and forth in relationships started to resurface. It became abundantly clear I never allowed myself to sow in sorrow and anger to reap healing. But this new sense of awareness was a rich salve to my wounds and excitement began to move through my veins again. I delved into new growth and explored ways to continue discovering myself - cooking classes, going to museums, exploring nature, reading new books, and whispering meaningful prayers began to fill up the spaces of time I would normally fill with relationships. Emotions were raw, sometimes painfully open and aching as I learned to pry myself away from the neediness or approval of a relationship. In the hardest moments, I would tune into thankfulness- it was hard but with time it became easier. I was thankful to feel and to understand the depth that my heart could love.
I used to believe that things would happen with time, that they will fall into place. But as I have learned to find security within, I have found that the pursuit of what we desire is a necessity. We have to be courageous with what we do, how we view life, and the choices we make. Getting in touch with my senses humbly helped me to see I am strong- that I can keep moving even if sometimes I may stumble. And there may be times that the only thing I taste are the tears streaming down my face, but it’s okay because they sustain me.
I now want nothing less than to pursue a full life that allows me to bloom in curiosity and knowledge. With wide eyes, open hands, and a happy spirit - my senses attuned to the wonder of life I have found beauty in the gift of being.
I’m now hopeful for love, the kind that grows from gratefulness.
** Editor’s Note: This article first appeared in Issue 20 of Holl & Lane Magazine. **
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About the Author:
Nicole Jordan is a seasoned freelance writer with a focus on faith based ministry. Her passion is to encourage others to view anxiety differently and find ways to live confidently among the struggles that we try to manage everyday. Find more from Nicole on Instagram: @even_the_sparrows_
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