When the World Shut Down, So Did I
Read Time: 5 Minutes
Words by Holly Tucci
Image by Holly Tucci
When the world shut down, so did I. Not leaving my home for nearly three months, it took a drive around town with my hubby and two sons on Mother’s Day 2020 to see the world was still moving, even though it looked and felt drastically different. My heart had begun to close and harden; it was time to open up again.
Goodness, even revisiting those feelings as I write, reminds me of how precious life truly is. Things changed in an instant. From going about living day to day, to completely shifting how each of us would navigate our daily lives. The option to eat out was no longer. Stores and businesses shut down for what was thought to be a short period of time. That period of time was extended on multiple occasions.
As my youngest son and I both have heart conditions, we quickly learned that we were considered high risk. Fifty percent of our home, two of the four of us are high risk. This was outright terrifying. We soon devised a plan that my husband would be the person to do the grocery shopping once a week. What I did not realize was happening, in my actions and decisions to stay home and be safe, I was beginning to shut down on the inside.
Before the state mandates of lockdown were put in place, I had experienced a couple of anxiety attacks that I had not had for months, almost years. I had three significant anxiety/panic attacks within a ten day period. Each time I had one, I was left feeling completely depleted and exhausted. After the third one, I began to ask myself why these were happening. I was telling myself, “I am here. I am loved. I am safe at home.” I couldn’t help but wonder, “was I really safe? Yes, I am at home, but what if? What if my husband gets the virus when he is going grocery shopping and brings it home? Are any of us really safe at all?”
As these questions circulated throughout my heart and mind, the clarity of what was really taking place made itself clear. Tuning into the news and reading the various headlines each day, I soon found myself feeling familiar feelings of fear, terror, and complete unknown of what could happen. These feelings were familiar remembering my experience in 2005, having had a post-op staph infection that led to me being hospitalized and isolated for a week and two additional heart surgeries for a total of three heart surgeries within a five week period.
My oldest son was just one year of age at the time. My husband was aiming to manage caring for our son, working, and coaching football while also aiming to come and see me at the hospital when he could. I remember feeling so very alone and scared. I was on some hefty antibiotics via IV. It took trying multiple antibiotics before landing on one that seem to help improve things. Daily consultations with the Infectious Disease Specialists became another part of my care. Each person that entered my hospital room was required to wear masks and disposable gowns, pants, and shoe coverings. Each time someone entered my room, the terror deepened. I began to wonder when and even if I would get to go home. The concern for my heart being dependent on the pacemaker remained the primary concern of how things would be handled. Between daily blood draws and hourly check-ins with my nurses, the days were full of fear.
So many what ifs permeated all of who I was at the time. I struggled to get my thoughts elsewhere.
That’s the tricky thing about infections, they tend to take on a mind of their own. Often how the body responds to the infection and medications administered to help, sometimes make sense, and sometimes not.
In remembering the details of that experience in 2005, it gave me a foundation of how to look at the Pandemic of 2020 and its impact on the world. The fear and terror that have likely filled our thoughts on the regular is something that is universal. What is also universal is our individual ability to choose how each of us would allow this pandemic to impact us. Sitting in daily fear reminded me of how some are living their lives each day. I was not enjoying how I was handling things, and I was also not sure how to go about things any differently. I mean, wasn’t everyone feeling this way? Didn’t everyone else feel some sort of internal shut down?
I went from walking my youngest son to the bus stop each day to sitting with him, homeschooling each day, side by side, while my husband worked remotely and my oldest son attended his classes virtually. I often asked myself, “Who was I to complain?” But everything I knew shifted. Simple actions became extremely complex, often requiring extensive planning. Even friendships that were strong, gradually dissipated. The care for one another remained, yet the communication did not.
I continued to wonder, “What the heck is happening?”
Recently I gave myself a dose of renewed perspective. A perspective based on a choice and a decision. This was rooted in cultivation of growing and expanding my mindset. The decision to enter into a new relationship with infection. The choice to redefine and rewire my relationship with infection. It began with a question: “What if I could see infection as a positive?” That question sparked a few more questions, “What if I could choose to see positive aspects of infection?” “Is it possible for infection to help us expand?” “How about infectious laughter and smiles?” “What about contagious energy, thoughts, and ideas?” So, while I’ve had some traumatic experiences with infection, it does not mean that I need to remain in that state. I can choose to see things differently. That experience of being hospitalized for a week and having multiple surgeries in a small window of time allowed me to appreciate what I did have and the medical team that cared for me as well as my loved ones that reached out to me and helped care for me and my family. Having navigated that challenging experience helped me to build my strength and resilience to experiences I’ve endured since 2005.
What I know for sure, is that I am still here. I am grateful to be continually learning from life and the many lessons it offers. I am grateful for the gift of choice and choosing to live a fully expressed life. I’m not saying that everything happens for a reason. What I’m hoping you hear from this story, from my heart to yours, is that meaning is created based upon the choices we make. How I went about living for those three months at the beginning of the pandemic showed me great clarity that I do not want to live that way.
Something I began doing in March 2020, was to step outside each morning, with my mug of coffee (or tea, most often coffee) in hand. I would step outside each day to greet the day. I’d raise my mug to the sky and say good morning to the world, remembering we are all under the same, one, unified, expansive sky.
Raising my mug to you and to me in this moment, may we each choose to make the meaning we desire in this one precious life. To continue to show and express our love and compassion for ourselves and for each other.
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About the Author:
Holly is an inspiring human who uses her gifts to connect with others through writing, speaking, listening, and coaching. She is helping others to live vibrantly in this precious life!
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